Gathering years is a strange phenomenon, as is time. I have just turned 45 years old, yet I feel mentally as if I am still in my twenties. I think most people feel this way – even when boasting greater numbers than mine with their age.
You see, I have just kind of woken up to the fact that I am in the ‘middle age’ stage of life. When I was in my early twenties, being middle aged seems to be miles ahead. And then suddenly you are in them… and I image this leap forward and delayed realisation, continues to happen. I can look back now and see that I do not have the emotional maturity of a girl in her twenties, but I still ‘feel’ as if I am in my twenties, or early thirties.
Why is this? Is it perhaps a moment of subconscious ‘waking up’ into adulthood that remains almost as a constant, like a stamp when time freezes momentarily so to speak, yet in reality marches on, and at a considerable pace?
Speaking to a friend of mine who is in her late sixties, she too told me she feels the same way. Its almost as if, when looking into the mirror and seeing that wrinkles have suddenly appeared or feeling the slight achy joints when getting out of bed, is almost incomprehensible. Where did the time go? Yes, the years were filled with an abundance of experience, but they passed so damn quick… or did they? And so, enters the concept of time. Time – so warped. Life in my twenties seems so so exceedingly long ago now – and yet it passed in a blink. Like eyes looking back see a journey so long, but the clock in my head has just ticked once. Suddenly I am here, in my mid-forties. But hang on a minute!!! I had so much more to do when I was young and more agile. Why did I not get on with it? Or did I? I certainly got on with a lot – children, marriage, work, friends, fun, hardship etc… so what is the problem here? And… if I am lucky to live a long life, I still have plenty of time to do the things I wish to get done. Okay – so what is the problem then?
I do not think there is a problem per say – just a bit of acceptance that needs to happen…
Beginning with the outer layer, lets talk hair. A lot of mine no longer colours itself. I am in an in between stage. I have grey hair beginning its invasion from the front and sides, but the rest is just as it once was. Do I allow my hair to slowly go grey naturally with grace? Well, I have tried, and I am not manging this transition as graciously as I could. Allowing it to do its own thing only lasts a few months – and then I am back to grabbing the hair-dye. I am not ready for this I tell myself. I still feel young in my head, so why is my hair not co-operating? Maybe one day I say – maybe one day I will be accepting and let the grace of grey take hold. Afterall – I know so many women with grey hair who look amazing – why can’t I do it too? I just do not know. So there – there is that!
Then exercise. I went horse-riding the other day for the first time in over twenty years. It was amazing to get back onto a horse and almost all my childhood training in horse-riding came back – just as on a bicycle – you never really forget. However, as I began to ride, my body said: hang on a minute, you are not as horse-riding fit as you were twenty years ago. This reality came as a bit of a shock to me, I must admit. The same applies to my yoga routine. I had (stupidly) taken (too) many years break from regular yoga, and when I began again about two years ago, I was devastated to find that my flexibility and strength did not return very quickly. I suddenly realised that I would have to work ten times harder and have proactive loving patience with myself, and then perhaps… hopefully I will get back to where I once was, with the aim of getting even further. This realisation was somewhat painful, but not a bad thing. It acted as a seriously swift kick up the butt, that if I want to be healthier in my later years, I must work diligently, constantly and patiently in order to achieve this. So – if all remains on my side – my goal is to be a super yoga granny one day!
Next acceptance was diet. If any of you reading this are my age now, let me ask a question. Do you remember when you were able to eat an entire bar of chocolate by yourself, perhaps followed my French fries – and not put an ounce of weight on and feel fabulous despite? I do, I remember this well. Now – if I eat more than 2 blocks of chocolate, or a heavy pudding, or a take-out meal, I literally feel as if I have a hangover the next day: without drinking a drop of alcohol. Okay granted, I have consciously cleaned up my diet enormously in the last five years or so, because I believe that food is medicine, or we are what we eat, so I may be more sensitive than others – but the realisation of then and now is mind-blowing to me. Before, my body would mop up the abusive junk I had given it without letting me know. Now, if I give my body even the slightest disrespect by ingesting something ‘naughty yummy’, it lets me know like a draconian school master. This I do not have too much of a problem with – it is good to be able to hear and feel your body, but thinking about the change from then to now, is another acceptance that needs swallowing.
Should we talk about ailments? Let’s not. They creep up on one like an unwanted rash and take longer to figure out and banish. Let’s move on to…
Interests? Yes. Interests in just about everything has changed for me. Even though I feel like I am still in my early thirties, most of what I am interested in now has changed drastically from what I deemed interesting before. My husband and I had a laugh driving back from somewhere a few nights ago, realising that we were both feeling rather happy to be going home to get into our pj’s and get on with chill time alone at home. Expressing this to one another, we remembered that when we were in our early twenties, eight at night was the time when we used to begin coming alive, and just begin getting ready to go out. The thought of this now, feels like a horror proposal. The idea of entering a crowded club or bar or similar venue, feels like one is asking us to enter a torture chamber… even if it is one for a ‘more mature’ crowd! Does this mean that we have become complete fuddy-duddies? Grannies and grandpas, before we have been given this label officially? Hell no! It is simply that we have created a space for ourselves at home that brings such comfort and warmth. Its because we know now how to entertain ourselves and we are content being with one another and the rest of our family. We realise that we simply no longer need others to draw energy from. We draw life energy from being with ourselves. So that aspect has changed. Please note though that we still enjoy a quality show from time to time or attending a wedding with great music. We still love to dance in festive events, but just not too often and only when we know the experience is going to add value to our lives.
What else has changed? Learning. I have an insatiable thirst for learning about new things. The age of technology helps fulfil this need every day. Time spent? I need it to be meaningful now. I am not interested in spending time with things or people that do not add value to my life. I suppose this is why sitting in a noisy bar drinking is paramount to a torturous experience nowadays. I am no longer interested in where people have been, but rather what they got from the experience. I am not interested in where one got their higher education or what it may have been, but rather what the entire experience brought them. I am not interested in anyone’s wealth; I want to know if they feel content in their lives. I am not interested in hearing one talk about themselves, unless they share a deeper layer and explain their feelings about the moment they wish to share. Without diving into a deeper layer of life, I see no point in interaction with one another at all.
I suppose this could bring us to the point of how now – at this age – I simply do not give a toss what people think of me. If I am with someone who is uninterested in getting to know who I am and share who they really are to me, then even if the realisation of this makes me sad at first, I will choose to spend as little time with them as possible. If this decision on my part makes the other party not like me, then so be it. I have met many people in my life who speak a mile a minute, but never listen. The conversation is NOT. Its one sided and feels as if they just like to hear their own voice or reel off one experience after another that they have had, as if they need to be recognised for something intangibly great. Its so strange because without true conversation, we are never able to get to know the true essence of each other. So, at this point in my life, if faced with an individual like this, I will back off politely and try to engage further as little as possible. This does lead to people thinking I am cold or shy or even arrogant perhaps… but I do not care. I no longer have the energy to interact in a superficial manner. If you tell me you have read a book – don’t reel off your knowledge of other books similar – tell me first why you want to tell me you have read that particular book. Tell me how it made you feel. Tell me why you think I might be interested; I can guarantee that only people who have taken the time to get to know you will be able to answer these questions. Those that cannot are simply trying to show off their academic achievements in order to make themselves feel superior. How strange humans are right?!
Okay so I suppose that now that I am in my mid-forties, what I have written above indicates that I have become a little less tolerant of people. This may be the case. But!!! But it is actually the opposite. I have more patience now trying to get to know people in my world, and I have a huge amount of tolerance for people who, like me, want to grow and learn from life. I am just as happy spending time with an underachiever in the academic world, as I am with an over-achiever, as long as they show me that they want to peel away the superficial layers of life, dig deeper and share the treasure they found or are in the process of finding. The stories they share of their ‘dig’ can be fascinating and perhaps even painful for them to recount, but the jewels they have to share with me, us and the world are priceless.
So, there are a few of my thoughts on time passing, gathering years, being in the time warp of life, what serves me now and what no longer interests me. I would love to hear from others I do not know yet. Do you have some thoughts to share? If so, please go ahead.